well I have to admit that I thought this summer would be a time to relax, reflect and recharge from my first year of law school till my second. sure, I'm taking classes and working, but for some reason I thought my schedule would be easier. *laughing at myself*

I work every morning for four hours, have a lunch break, then head to class until 5:40 or 3:00, depending on the day. That doesn't seem so bad, but then I almost always have stuff going on in the evenings too. I'm the type of person that NEEDS time to decompress every day, and if I don't have that it causes me a tremendous amount of anxiety. 

I started going to a therapist in February to work on panic attacks/anxiety. I definitely don't have the same level of anxiety as other people and I've only ever experienced one (maybe two) real panic attacks. But, I have anxiety about having a panic attack and that is pretty brutal as well. 

Anyways, I need to work on relaxing. This is why I wonder how I could ever be successful as a mom. I just can't imagine giving up all my free time to little people who need my attention. I have to go to bed at 10pm every night or I'm exhausted. I hear this is basically impossible as a mom, so, I don't know. 

I also am missing my *girl-time*. I do have girl friends here (including one of my besties), but I miss working with my best girl friends. I wouldn't say I took it for granted when I worked with my group of 6 girlfriends, because I think I appreciated it at the time, but I really miss it. Eating lunch together, venting about whatever, going out straight to happy hour . . . good times.

I hate it when women say they have all man friends because girls are just too much drama. That might be semi-true, but I also think there's probably something wrong with you if you don't have a least a couple (or even one) really good girl friend. Men and women just communicate differently & sometimes you need your girlfriends to have a good vent with. Amirite?

Also, back to the relaxing thing ... it's weird because as a teacher I felt like a constant level of stress/anxiety but I never felt like how I'm feeling now. Maybe I just learned to live with that stress -- it was a "known" stress. But I also think I was pretty good at unwinding. One of my favorite things to do, was(is?) - you guessed it - blogging! I love to write. I have been writing since I can remember. My first diaries were in 2nd grade and I never stopped. But, I don't know. I have felt so uninspired to blogggg lately, everytime I open this box I start typing something, then delete it, all the while planning out blog posts in my mind on my run or while driving.

So, I'm going to make a more concerted effort to blog something every day. I'm not going to have pictures and I'm not going to have a lot to say, but I like it so I need to prioritize it.

This weekend I'm going to Orlando w/Felipe for one of my bestie's bdays. I'm excited because we're staying Fri & Sat night at a hotel across from Downtown Disney. . . well, I'm just excited to have a chance to stay in a hotel, lay by the pool, and, *surprise* RELAX!

What about you? How do you relax?

I've got a LOT of issues. Read to make yourself feel better.

Well well well

cool eyeball! ... and these are REAL nerd glasses - those babies are thinned down too!!!

me & my neph - has nothing to do with this post. 

Whose wise idea was it to start a new blog over break and then immediately abandon it as soon as school started???

But ya'll.

School has been ca-raaazzzyyy!!

Last semester whenever someone asked me about law school I just kind of shrugged and was like, "It's OK" .. it definitely wasn't anything comparable to being a teacher in terms of workload.

This semester though....

Wowza.

First, I'm taking an extra class. Second, the teachers are assigning more reading. Third, I forgot how to read fast for law school. Fourth, all the first cases are like cases from the 1800s that are so dense. Fifth, all my teachers this semester are fans of the lovely 'cold-call' whereas I only had ONE teacher who did that last semester and she called on me the first day so then I didn't have to worry about it for the rest of the semester.

Also - I'm "running" the Disney Prince Half-Marathon in exactly ONE MONTH from today, and guess who can't even make it three miles without stopping?? #awesome

I'm not overly concerned though for a lot of reasons.

#1. On Sunday I could only run .5 miles before I stopped (I made myself stop bc my heart rate was at 183 and I don't want my HR over 180 when I'm exercising bc I get exercise migraines if I push myself that hard).

#2. Today, my third run of the week, I made it 2.5 miles. Running is SO mental, ya'll, I just have to condition myself to be used to working out for 2-3 hours

#3. You have to complete the half at a pace of 16-min mile .. I can walk that so the worst case scenario is I walk a huge chunk of it.

-- The reason I haven't been training is because I was really sick in December, and then I went to NYC, where you may or may not have learned it was SO FUCKING COLD. So, lame excuses, but, they're there nonetheless. I've been feeling 'weird' ... is the only explanation on and off for a few months now, and I've diagnosed myself with everything from panic attacks to brain aneurisms to atrial fibrillation and it's really made me scared to exercise -- but one good thing did come from it - I *quit* (tentatively) soda -- Saturday is one week soda AND caffeine free!!! That deserves an entire post on it's own bc I have literally been trying for YEARS to quit and I could never do it, but convince myself that it's causing me to have these panic attacks and I stop cold turkey.

THe issue is that I will wake up in the middle of the night and my heart is beating (what feels like) REALLY fast. Not only that but I can't go back to sleep because I can feel my heart beating. Like ,I really took for granted how nice it is to NOT feel my heart beating out of my chest because the sensation is just so offputting that I can't fall back asleep. Which is turrrrible. And also it makes me afraid to go to sleep. #notnormal. I've kind of linked it to sleeping on my side but this is absolutely devastating to me bc I switch positions all night when I sleep and my favorite way to sleep is on my side and on my stomach.

At first I thought it was panic attacks but I don't think it is for a few reasons. First, I'm being woken up with this rapid heartbeat, second, it doesn't fade away after ten or even thirty minutes ... it lasts HOURS (or what feels like hours), and third (& maybe most obviously), I'm not stressed/anxious/worried about anything in life....except for the rapid heart beat thing!

I am going to the doc- but you can't get appointments for weeks with these peeps! My biggest fear is that something would happen to me and I'm all alone and no one would know and I'd die. Morbid much? I know. But both my dad and my aunt died on their own and were "found".

I probably feel my HR /pulse about 50 times a day. I wish I was exaggerating. I don't always count it but I feel it. I'll just be sitting in class and casually put my fingers on my neck and count my HR. Cool huh? But, have no fear- I also made an appt at the psych clinic on campus bc I just can't live this way! It's out of control.

So, there you have it - law school, rapid heartbeats, half-marathons...living the life, folks, living the life!!

P.S. - I DO have a tumblr which I update more often because, well, it's tumblr ... so if you're interested in that (it's mostly law school stuff) the address is http://sometypeaway.tumblr.com.

ITS A HARRY POTTER WEEKEND!

all is right in the world.

xoxo