we travel not to escape life, but for life not to escape us

But I don't wanna!!

January 8, 2014

So today is my last full day in NYC.

I've been here officially three weeks.

I go back to Florida tomorrow.

While overjoyed doesn't begin to describe the emotion I feel upon entering the land of 80 degree temps in January, I am so so so sad to be leaving my boo again.

Now that I've been back in NYC for three weeks, it seems much more natural for me to be here than it has felt August - December to be back in Florida. I lived in NYC for six years, and in Florida for 21 before that, but NYC still feels like 'home' to me.

I said something to Felipe which probably didn't come out right but I don't have a way with words unless I can think about them for a long time and edit them at least twenty-seven times, but the gist is that I'm getting upset because now I have to adjust to being apart from him again. & I just spent the last 21 days adjusting to be being around him all the time again...and now I don't wanna leave.

My mom gave us an ornament for Christmas and said, "Cause I think you guys will get married one day...If you can make it through long distance..." And then my stepdad shushhed her and my mom was like, "What? I'm just saying...you have to really trust..." and then my stepdad was like, "Don't say that!" But it's true... there is a lot of trust, but also there is no doubt. People always talk about long-distance relationships require a lot of trust but I also think they require people to have no doubt that this is the person they want to be with.

For what it's worth, I never think of Felipe & I as in a 'long-distance relationship'. I think of us as in a relationship. And we happen to live states apart at the moment.

Anyways, the point (is there a point?) ... I don't want to leave now and it makes it harder because now I know what it'll be like in Florida, I know how hard it will be, I know how lonely I'll feel (which is weird because I do have friends ... and my family lives a four-hour drive away). I also think I've developed anxiety as a result (I've always been a crazy hypochondriac, but it has been amped to the max since being by myself).

Also I just want to make a point here that I consider myself an INCREDIBLY independent woman, I am becoming more of an introvert as I get older and all the things they say about 'Cancers' being home-bodies is true for me ... but almost four years ago I kicked out of a bar and this kid threw a $20 bill in the cab to pay for it and I haven't been able to be without him since (except for that 2 week period immediately afterward when he didn't call ... )

so yeah, i've been crying about it since monday (which puts a damper on the last few days I'm here) ... and I'm still waiting on one grade back from first semester (property!) but otherwise I got 2 A's and a B and I'd say - not too shabby for my first semester in law school AND I actually really like law school unlike what everybody said about it and unlike most of the people in my class. SOO that makes it a little bit easier to go back because I feel excited about doing well in law!!


1 comment :

  1. Aw hugs! Just think how someday you'll be able to say to each other "we did it and are so much stronger because we made it through the distance."


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